Search Results

Here’s the way I see it: Everyone in the world is standing in front of a huge wall. We’re all painting a mural, collectively, on this wall. And each one of us is painting with our own unique color. Your specific, unique color is needed here. If we all had the same color, our mural wouldn’t be very interesting. It would just be one big boring block of some color that we’re all kind of sick of. If we were all the same, life wouldn’t be very interesting. There would be nothing special about anyone. You may not see how you’re special. You may think your color is boring, but that’s because you’re used to it. No one else is just like you, and that alone makes you interesting. Your color brings a dimension to our mural that is needed. It elevates the collective work of art. If your color was absent, the mural would be lacking. It would be less than it could be. There would be less to be inspired by. Your specific color makes a difference. Someone will see it and be drawn to it. Someone will see it and be curious about it. Someone will see it and feel seen because it is so similar to their color. Someone will see it and learn from it. Your color is meaningful to the world. I see this so clearly, all of us with our paintbrushes or spray cans, working on this amazing, complex, colorful mural. Lots of people find it hard to value their contribution to the mural. They find it hard to believe that their color does make a difference and is meaningful. They believe their color is not worth as much as other colors. Simply put, they are wrong. Some colors are flashier or brighter than others, but they all have the same worth. Just like people. Because we are alive, we are all worthy of respect, acceptance, and love. We are all meaningful. We all contribute to the overall collective. We are all needed here. That’s just how it works. If you ask 20 people what their favorite color is, very few of them – potentially none – will say “brown” because brown is not flashy. But can you imagine our world without brown?? Brown holds our world together! Brown may not be flashy, but it is needed. Some people will vibe with your color, and some may not. That has to do with chemistry and psychodynamics and has nothing to do with your worth. Your color is as valuable as the person sitting across from you, regardless of how that person feels about it. Now that we’re all clear on that, what does your specific color look like? Once you know what it looks like, you can intentionally paint with it. Your color is your you-ness, all the stuff that makes you you. For me, my color has to do with my love for Cherry Pepsi, my attachment to pelicans, my anxiety about things going horribly wrong and, relatedly, my need to be in control, and my dry sense of humor. Those are some of the things that make me me. Take a few minutes to consider your color. What makes you you? It doesn’t have to be just the “good” stuff. It’s the real stuff. That’s what’s meaningful. That’s what people will connect with and be impacted by. That’s what is needed in the world – your real you-ness. Now, here comes the hard part: Stop judging your color. Stop comparing it to other colors. Just paint with it – that’s what it’s there for, and our mural needs it. You are needed. Here’s an exercise to try: The next time you’re in a room with other people, notice what colors they are painting with. Don’t judge the colors as “good” or “bad,” just notice them. Notice your reaction to them. You’ll have bigger reactions or responses to some colors than others, back to chemistry and psychodynamics. That doesn’t mean any colors are “good” or “bad.” Remember, they all have the same worth. They are all needed, too.

Who is Your Inner Critic? Are you familiar with your inner critic? She’s the voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough, that you’re unworthy, and that you’re ugly and stupid and no one will ever love you or hire you. She’s the voice telling you that you need to change yourself in order to be acceptable. Your inner critic is the mean girl you carry with you everywhere you go. She’s there when you wake up, she's right in your face as you get dressed, and she becomes particularly loud every time you consider taking a risk at work, going on a date, or you start to feel confident about yourself as a person. We’ve all got voices in our heads of one flavor or another: anxiety, depression, eating disorder, self-doubt, “Coach,” our parents, etc. The inner critic is a popular one; most of us are well-acquainted with her. These voices each believe they have an important job to do. They try to do their jobs (and stay alive) by convincing us that they know better than us. But they don’t. Our inner critic’s job is to keep us feeling bad about ourselves by telling us that we’re not good enough. That is her only purpose. And she is really good at it! She has lots of ammunition: she has held onto every failure we’ve ever had and every judgment and criticism we’ve ever heard or believed about ourselves. She wields them like weapons. Our inner critic tells us all about how unacceptable we are, and we believe her. Then she convinces us that we need her criticisms. We believe she is actually helping us by pointing out our shameful bits so we don’t expose them to the world. She’s convinced us that we’ll be rejected if we show up to life as we are. This is how she stays alive. She needs to be relevant, or she'll cease to exist. She knows which buttons to push; we do not want to be rejected. That’s etched deep in our brains. Back in the days when all humans lived in tribes, being rejected meant literal death. Those who were judged as “unacceptable” were kicked out of the tribe, and no one survived on their own. Our brains haven’t fully caught up that this is no longer the case. Our inner critic capitalizes on this. She has us convinced that her wisdom could be lifesaving. She makes us believe that we are definitely unacceptable and are at serious risk of rejection – if we don’t listen to her. She flagrantly uses shame and fear to maintain her power. Most of us listen to our inner critic without even realizing it. We don’t know we have the option of questioning what she’s saying. We believe she’s just stating the obvious truth. We also rationalize that we need to know our “bad” bits so we can make them better. Some of us are even convinced that she’s motivational! In actual fact, our inner critic is creating shame and an unwillingness to accept ourselves which is incredibly harmful to our sense of self. It is imperative that we step back and see our inner critic for what she is: a mean girl trying to make us feel insecure to benefit herself. From this perspective, it becomes clear that listening to our inner critic is not actually helpful, and in fact is destructive to our self-esteem. From this perspective, we can remind ourselves that our life is not at stake. We can start to imagine not listening to our critic. We can remind ourselves that she is fearmongering, and we can choose to disregard whatever she is babbling on about. Easier said than done, but doable. How to Handle Your Inner Critic The goal is not to try to silence or banish the inner critic. The goal is to disregard her. It is no easy feat to disregard someone we have so much history with, especially when she’s screaming at us. Start by telling her that you are not going to listen to her. This is an empowering move – you are taking your power back and using it to ground yourself in your truth, not hers. You know better than she does. You are in charge, not her. You only exist to make me feel bad about myself. I’m no longer interested in doing that. You’re wrong, and I don’t need to listen to you. I don’t allow anyone to speak to me like that. I can’t stop you from talking, but I can choose not to listen. I don’t need your opinions. Mine are much more relevant. You’re preventing me from living authentically and juicily, so why would I listen to you? You’re pretending to be helpful, but you’re not and never have been. Next, turn your focus away from her and put it on you. Focus on anything that feels helpful (hint: it should not be fear-based). This can be anything that supports you and feels good to you. Here are some ideas: Focus on anything that feels good or meaningful to you: Talk to a friend Go for a walk or stretch Cook something delicious Watch cute baby goat videos Journal, draw, sculpt, or play music Focus specifically on owning your worth: Collect quotes about worth Listen to a podcast that reminds you that we are all weird and imperfect and worthy Repeat a mantra, something like: “I am imperfect and insecure, and I fully and completely accept myself.” Read Already Enough by Lisa Olivera Watch, read, or listen to anything by Brené Brown Watch Ted Lasso The more we focus on us and what feels helpful to us, the less interested we will be in what our critic has to say, and the easier it will be to disregard her. We have to be ready for this to take a while. Our inner critic is persistent and desperate – her existence is at stake! She’ll get much louder when she realizes we aren’t paying attention to her. We’re going to have to be as persistent as she is and disregard her over and over and over and over. Sometimes we won’t be able to. That’s okay. It can feel scary to disregard someone we kind of think we need. If we don’t focus on the “bad” parts of ourselves, aren’t we going to become cocky? Complacent? Unacceptable? NO! Your inner critic was never “protecting” you from any of that. You are acceptable; that is your birthright. And if you don’t want to be cocky or complacent, I promise you, your inner critic is completely unnecessary. Self-awareness is what is helpful there. So, what does happen when we disregard our inner critic? The worst that will happen is that she will get louder, and her criticisms will get meaner. She’ll do whatever it takes to make us feel worthless and at risk of total rejection. She’s always been out for her own survival, not ours. Remember that she’s all talk – if we don’t take her seriously, she’s got no power to make us feel bad. The best that will happen is that we will accept ourselves. When we accept ourselves, rejection no longer feels dangerous, and criticism is less wounding. When we stop listening to our inner critic, we’ll be able to listen to ourselves. We’ll be able to focus on what feels good instead of what feels bad. There will be way more options and interesting paths to consider. Life will feel more fulfilling and vibrant. Once we know who our inner critic is and what she’s about, her words have less impact. We can back slowly away from her and turn toward ourselves. That’s when life gets really good.

When it comes to options for how we feel about our bodies, most of us are aware of the body hatred and body positivity options. Some are aware of body neutrality, where the focus is not whether we love or don’t love our body’s appearance, but rather the purpose of our body, which is to allow us to live. For most of us, body hatred is a given and body positivity feels impossible. Body neutrality is more conceivable but still very challenging. It is really freaking hard to have a decent relationship with our bodies! I’ve got a fourth option to consider: body respect. Body respect is a part of body positivity and body neutrality. It is also a stand-alone option that might be a tad easier to practice. I recently had someone ask me the difference between body respect, which I was preaching at the time, and body appreciation. I fumbled on the response – what is the difference between appreciating and respecting your body? As I do, I consulted the dictionary. "Respect" has a number of definitions, many of which center around admiration, which feels akin to appreciation. But then I found a definition that felt useful. I shared it with this person, and she told me I needed to write about it, so here we are. The Cambridge English Dictionary defines “respect” as: "a feeling that something is right or important and you should not attempt to change it or harm it." So, you can respect someone else’s decision or opinion (without agreeing with it) by recognizing that it is important and that you should not attempt to change it. Similarly, you can respect your body by recognizing that it is right and important, and you should not attempt to change or harm it. Let’s unpack that challenging statement, shall we? Your body is right and important. I bet you disagree on at least one count. We are taught to believe our bodies are wrong. We are taught to believe our bodies are wrong. Every doctor who has weighed you is suggesting that there is a “wrong” or “unhealthy” weight (in the large majority of cases, there isn’t). Same with every ad and institution, and person who has tried to sell you a weight-loss product – likely including your gym. Every time you got the message that you would be better if you were thinner, you were being taught that your body is wrong. We are not taught that bodies are supposed to be diverse in weight (just like in height, hair, skin color, eye color – we accept it everywhere else!). We are not taught that not all bodies are supposed to be thin. We are not taught that weight is not an indicator of health. We are not taught that you can be healthy and fit and fat (or that you can be unhealthy, unfit, and thin). Your body is not wrong. We are also taught that our bodies are not important. We’ve learned that our body’s functional needs are much less important than what we want it to look like. We’re taught to ignore most of our body’s signals: we are taught to disregard our hunger and our cravings as if they’re “bad.” We are told to ignore fatigue and pain and just “push through.” We are taught that what we want to weigh is even more important than our genetics. If we believe our body’s genetics and needs and the signals it sends us are irrelevant, we believe our body is not important, right? We’ve learned to listen to diet culture instead of our bodies. We aren’t taught why our bodies need fat and carbs. We aren’t taught the damage that eating only 1200 kcal a day will do to our bodies. Do you know roughly how much energy (e.g., how many calories) your organs alone need to keep you alive?? (Hint: it’s more than 1200 kcal.) It is an understatement to say that your body is important. Let’s move on to not wanting to change or harm our bodies. Millions of us want to change our bodies from the time we are young. We have been taught that we should change our bodies if they are outside of the acceptable level of thinness. Most of us believe we will be healthier if we make our bodies smaller. Now we’re talking about harm. It turns out that 98% of intentional weight loss attempts (i.e., diets) do not work. This means that although many people do initially lose weight, the vast majority of us gain it all back within 1-5 years (and for most of us, even more). Not because we lack willpower, but because our bodies are biologically programmed to not allow long-lasting weight loss; even our bodies know that weight loss is not a good thing. The weight cycling that happens when we lose weight and gain it back (multiply that by the number of diets you’ve been on) is where the harm comes in. The emotional harm is obvious: dieting negatively impacts self-esteem and leads to eating disorders, self-loathing, and depression. The physical harm is just being understood. Much of the harm previously attributed to “obesity” (this word promotes weight stigma) seems actually to be due to weight cycling. Weight cycling causes inflammation and puts us at increased risk of chronic diseases, hypertension, insulin resistance, decreased cardiac health, and shorter lifespan. When we see our bodies as wrong, we are causing ourselves harm. When we see our bodies as unimportant, we are causing ourselves harm. And absolutely, when we go on diets (ANY diet), we are causing ourselves harm. Disrespecting our bodies is harmful. So how do we stop? How do we respect our bodies? Practice seeing your body as right and important. “Important” might be the easier starting point. What does it mean to practice seeing your body as important? It means that you listen to your body and take it seriously. Take your hunger seriously and eat. Take your fullness seriously. Notice when you’re thirsty and have something to drink. Take that pain in your back seriously. Rest when you are tired (I know, but you can take at least a few minutes). To practice seeing your body as “right,” consider the fact that your body and its genetics know better than anyone else outside of you what your body is supposed to look like. Consider the fact that bodies are not all supposed to be thin or look the same, and that fighting against your body’s natural size causes more harm than benefit. Consider the fact that you can be healthy at your current body size. Practice not wanting to change or harm your body. Imagine what it would be like if you did respect your body. Can you get a sense of how it would feel to let go of all the energy you put into wanting your body to be different? There are many actions you can take to help you stop wanting to change your body: Read the research (see Resources, below) to understand that it is harmful to try to lose weight – this goes against everything we have been taught. Stop weighing yourself immediately. Throw away your scale – that number literally says nothing important about you, and the act of weighing yourself impacts your self-esteem. Stop saying mean things about your body (including that it should be different), whether it’s out loud or to yourself. Speak about it as if it is important and right. Stop grabbing your fat in a mean way. Be kind to your body. Touch it gently. It is not going to be a quick or easy journey to get to body respect, and it will likely be an ongoing effort. But there are concrete actions you can take; there is a path. Body respect is liberating and empowering – standing on our own side always is – and it is possible. Your body deserves respect. Resources Book: Body Respect: What Conventional Health Books Get Wrong, Leave Out, and Just Plain Fail to Understand About Weight. (2014) Bacon & Aphramor Newsletter: Weight and Healthcare Newsletter (Ragen Chastain). Check out the Research post. Podcast: Maintenance Phase: Wellness and weight loss, debunked and decoded (Hobbes & Gordon)

Research and anecdotal reports abound about the positive effects of meditation and mindfulness on physical, emotional, and spiritual health and well-being. Meditation even changes the structures of our brains in ways that make us more thoughtful and less reflexively reactive! What is meditation? Meditation involves a variety of types of practices in which one’s attention is focused on specific experiences (for example: breathing, hearing, seeing, imagining) or intentions. Examples include: Guided Imagery Meditation: focused visualizations typically pertaining to healing, wellness, and relaxation; often customized for one’s personal preferences Loving-Kindness Meditation (aka Metta Meditation): repeated phrases of love, compassion, and ease for oneself and others Mindfulness Meditation (aka Vipassana): focused attention without judgment on present moment experiences such as breath and sounds Meditation is a practice Meditation is a practice – a workout for the brain and mind. And it’s a practice and workout that is impossible to fail; there’s no such thing as not being good at it. As a beginning (or even as a well-practiced) meditator, we notice repeatedly that when we try to focus our attention, our minds wander. We think about errands we need to run, an argument we had earlier in the day, work deadlines that are fast approaching, the food we hope to eat for dinner, and so on. When our mind wanders, this is when opportunities arise for deeper practice and for our brains to get a challenging but good workout. Noticing when and where our minds wander and then consciously bringing our minds back to focus on whatever we are trying to focus on (for example: breath, sounds) is akin to lifting weights to try to strengthen muscles – but in meditation, the “weight” is our wandering mind, the “lifting” is our recognition of the wandering and then bringing our mind back to focus, and the “muscle” is our brain. Back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth again – mind wanders and brings the mind back to focus again and again and again. So the more we notice our minds wandering, and the more often we bring our minds back to our object or experience of focus, the stronger and more flexible, and healthier our brains become. We become better able to “go with the flow” when confronted with stress and challenges, and in turn, respond with less anxiety and less sadness. Over time and with practice, we become better able to be present in the moment, recognize what we are feeling and thinking, and then respond with thoughtful calm. And because our nervous systems become more flexible and accommodating with this practice, we also become able to better respond to medical illnesses and heal more quickly. Meditation 101 Find a comfortable place to sit, lie down, or take a walk for a period of time (for example: 10 minutes, 20 minutes). With either eyes closed or open, try to focus exclusively on your breath (for example: the feel of the movement of air in your nose and mouth as you inhale and exhale; the feel of your chest and stomach rising and falling as you inhale and exhale) or on particular sounds or on sights surrounding you in nature. As you try to focus, also notice when and to what your mind wanders… without judgment or self-criticism. Simply notice. Give the wandering a name (for example: stress, grocery list, sad, itch, deadline, a hodgepodge of indiscernible thoughts), and then consciously and actively remind yourself to refocus on your breath or sounds or sights; and do this again and again. If your mind wanders 100 times, notice it each time, and then return your focus. And voila - you’ve meditated! It is the recognizing of when your mind wanders and the bringing it back to focus again that gives your mind and brain the very important workout that will protect and enhance your health in myriad ways. This also can be accomplished in brief moments throughout your day… Take mini mindfulness meditation breaks For one minute or less, stop whatever you’re doing, and notice all scents. When hugging someone you love, linger in the hug longer, and notice the scent of hair, the feel of skin, the rhythms of breath. During a walk, notice all surrounding sounds including the sounds of your feet connecting with the earth, the songs of birds, the scuffling of animals, the cars traveling on the road. Take a brief break from whatever you’re doing and notice the rhythms of your breath and the feel of the air as you inhale and exhale. Take a few minutes to repeat loving-kindness phrases to yourself: “I am filled with compassion and love. I am strong. I am safe. I am at peace.” No matter how busy we are, finding even brief moments throughout the day to meditate enables us – with practice and over time – to better handle stress, experience greater calm, and heal more quickly from illnesses.

One of my favorite mindset-management tools are iffirmations. Nope, not affirmations. Iffirmations. Affirmations are also mindset-management tools. Affirmations are statements that we are trying to get our brains to believe. “I am good enough.” is an affirmation. Many of us hear that affirmation and have an automatic “Yeah, right.” reaction. In other words, our brain’s first response is to reject it because it sounds so implausible. This is in part because it’s a statement. Statements give our brain no wiggle room – we are either good enough or we’re not. Since we’ve spent years believing that we’re not good enough, our brain automatically selects that option and rejects the alternative. This is where iffirmations come in. Iffirmations are “What if?” questions. Their question format allows them to slide in through a side door. They aren’t statements, so they’re not telling the brain to believe something improbable. They are simply inviting curiosity. They are merely wondering if there is a possibility that this could be true. This makes our brains much more receptive to them. Try it. Ask yourself, “What if I am good enough?” Instead of rejecting this iffirmation, we find ourselves wondering what it would be like to know that we are good enough. And now, because we’re focusing on this topic, our brains are creating more neuronal connections around it. The brain changes based on what we focus on – this is neuroplasticity. The more you ponder the idea of being good enough, the more space your brain devotes to this topic. This means you are more likely to keep thinking about this topic. Clearly, we want our brains to keep considering the idea that we’re good enough. Putting it in the form of an iffirmation helps us get there more easily. If you’re interested in changing the way you think about yourself or the way you approach your life, try some of these iffirmations. What if they work? (see what I did there?) I’ve organized them by topic. Pick whichever ones resonate with you, or make up your own. You can’t just ask them once and expect changes, though. They will need to be repeated – the brain typically requires repetition to make lasting changes. 46 Iffirmations to Change Your Life For General Well-Being What if I could loosen my expectations of how life “should” be? What if life is not supposed to be smooth and easy all the time? What if I could focus more on what I want and less on what is getting in the way? What if I focus on what feels meaningful and what lights me up? What if I don't focus on unhelpful thoughts, feelings, or people? What if I believe that I deserve compassion and love? What if I can find the time to take care of myself in meaningful ways? What if I could make today a better experience just by how I approach it? For Self-Acceptance What if I am good enough, right now, without having to change anything? What if I am not shameful? What if I am not inferior to anyone? What if I deserve as much respect as everyone else? What if I decided to respect myself? What if I am worthy of living my life as I want to, even if other people disapprove? What if I could stop wondering what other people think of me? What if I could stop focusing on my insecurities? What if I could loosen my expectations of how I “should” be? What if I stopped saying “should”? What if I could see that I deserve to take up as much space as everyone else? What if I started voicing my opinions, wants, and needs? What if I realized that my inner critic is supposed to make me feel bad, not tell me the truth about myself? What if I only spoke to and about myself kindly, the way I talk to my friends? For Perfectionism What if I am fully acceptable as I am, without being perfect in any way? What if I could let go of trying to have it all together? What if I realized that no one actually has it all together? What if life could feel richer if I stopped trying to be perfect? What if my attempts at perfectionism are robbing me of the ability to be authentic? What if others prefer imperfect people? For Anxiety What if I could look for the interesting bits in life instead of focusing on the potential problem areas? What if I could be curious about any upcoming changes, and about life in general? What if I could do what feels meaningful even though I also feel anxious? What if I treated my anxiety like an annoying roommate – just because he’s talking doesn’t mean he’s saying anything true, helpful, or relevant? What if my anxious thoughts are not accurate? What if worrying is a waste of time? For Depression What if I deserve compassion for feeling this way? What if I can offer myself compassion for having to feel this way? What if I can do meaningful things even though it doesn't feel good or meaningful right now? What if I can do a small thing today and recognize that as helpful? What if my depressive thoughts are not accurate? What if I am not the burden I think I am? For Body Image What if I could see that my body is not shameful – ever? What if my weight is not an important part of who I am or how I live my life? What if weight and health are not as related as I have been led to believe? What if I stopped buying into the false news that my body is supposed to look a certain way? What if I could choose to focus on more meaningful things than how my body looks? What if I could respect my body for the fact that it single-handedly allows me to live? Think of this as 46 opportunities to change your life. Which ones are you going to take? Original article posted on YourTango. Published 9/5/22